Oh No! Not again...an unwelcome and inconvenient visit from the past
Cummunication 101 #9 (Originally posted 16 July 2020 on www.sexuallymindful.com)
“Practice being mindful” They say. “So when you need it, you have it.” Being mindful. HMPH! It is tough sometimes. I want to share something with you all today. I mean after all, this is my #blog that I am writing, so all I really do is share what I want to. But this one is very personal to me.
I #trust my husband beyond the realms of the #universe. This man has seen every side of me (figuratively and literally). He has seen me humiliated, humbled, joyful, proud, exhausted, sick, happy, sad, angry, hurt beyond belief and he knows me and still chooses to love me every.single.day.
I am grateful to #God for my hubby’s love, trust, devotion and loyalty. He has helped me through some very difficult times. If I did not trust him as much as I do, this would have played out much differently. As I mentioned, this blog is about something deeply personally for me.
When I was younger, I’ll say 8 years old, because I don’t remember exactly, but I always say 8 when I talk about when I was younger, I was #molested. It was my mom’s finance’s (who was killed in Vietnam), brother. We went to their lake house for a cookout and bonfire. My older sister and I spent the night. I don’t remember why, there were no other kids there and our middle sister did not stay.
Needless to say, while I was sleeping this #douchecanoe woke me up by touching me, he started with rubbing my stomach, I remember blocking my then non-existent #boobs. I told him my older sister was snoring and she had said she didn’t snore and I had to wake her up to tell her. He told me not too. Things continued until his then girlfriend walked in and busted him. Afterwards, her and I talked, she told me it was not my fault and that I should tell someone. I did tell my mom months or years later (I don’t really remember). It took me years to realize this is why I did not like being woken up for #sex.
Anywho during a recent #sexpisode, hubby and I were getting #hotandheavy and he did something that #triggered me from this past experience. Quite frankly the move in itself is not sexual or bad, just a simple movement and BOOM in an instant I was back there. That quick and that fast! It doesn’t matter what hubby did, in almost 18 years of #marriage this had not happened before.
Instead of letting it completely ruin the moment (which it had, up until I snapped my ass back to reality), I took three very deep #mindful breaths, reminded myself that my husband is NOT him and continued on #makinglove to my #husband. I talked with my husband afterwards and while he knew about what happened to me when I was younger, that specific little unsuspecting detail never came up (until it did). Hello #CUMMUNICATION with your spouse/significant other (cannot stress this enough)!
I thank #God every day that douche canoe’s girlfriend interrupted whatever else was about to happen that night.
My whole point is this: bad shit happens sometimes. It is up to you to heal. No one can do that for you. #Flashbacks from past #molestation, #sexualtrauma, #sexualassault, #rape, etc. can and will rear its ugly head and derail you (if you allow it to) when you least expect it. How do you #cope with them?
I have had success with facing my fears, ripping the band aid off (so to speak) and mindfulness. I am in no way telling you how you should do it. For you, it may be more complex and you may need to seek professional medical assistance.
However, if you have not dealt with it, I urge you to start exploring that TODAY! You have to acknowledge what happened to be able to #dealandheal. Heck, you may never fully heal and may always suffer from unsuspecting triggers, however, you can learn to control how you respond to them vs. them controlling you. C-U next time.
Just a few resources (even though these are geared predominantly towards women, men can benefit as well):
Epsita M :
This is so true, Mary that we must learn to heal, and find the strength to release our ugly past [if any!]. I keep reminding myself not-to-give-power to any of my past fears, guilts, and regrets. They still show up sometimes to make me weak and vulnerable, but I've learned to not-react and to not let them control me anymore! Thank you for sharing this message. I can understand how hard it must have been for you, but I'm glad you shared your pain. And this is going to give courage to many. Love and Hugs <3