Cummunication 101 #11 (originally posted at www.sexuallymindful.com on Jun 30, 2020)
So this one is not solely about sex. Whaaaat??? But it is a sex blog. Well actually it’s a life and sex blog and I am in control and can change things whenever I want… [cue maniacal laughter] . As I reread that, I sound like a toxic person but alas I am just smartasstic (yup, made that one up too).
This one is about toxic relationships. I’ve had personal experience with these in mine and in my husband’s families and with friends. I am sure some of you have as well.
It might be your personal relationship, a close friend, a child, a parent, a spouse, an ex spouse, baby mama, baby daddy, cousin, it could even be a sibling. Regardless of who it is in your life, there are a ton of emotions involved in navigating these toxic waters.
This is a great video: //www.youtube.com/embed/DPYmwiK4vhw?wmode=transparent from www.scienceofpeople.com on how to recognize the seven types of toxic people and how to deal with them. Amazingly, one of the toxic people in our lives is most of the types listed all in one.
Now toxic people can be all types of people in your life, just like I mentioned above. Please know that toxicity breeds abuse, whether it be verbal, emotional, physical, sexual or mental. None of which anyone deserves, NOT EVEN YOU! (read that again please). I don’t care how bad you might have screwed up or how bad you think you are, you don’t deserve abuse. Capeche?
The important thing to remember about toxic people is; they will be upset with you if something they did or said upsets you.
Maybe you are not entirely sure if it is even a toxic relationship. Here are nine questions to ask yourself to help in determining (also from www.scienceofpeople.com):
1. Are you always saving them or fixing their problems?
2. Do you cover or feel obligated to cover up or hide things for them?
3. Do you avoid seeing them or talking to them?
4. Are you drained after seeing them?
5. Do you get angry, sad or depressed when seeing/communicating with them?
6. Do you feel as though you have to go along with gossip or being mean when seeing/communicating with them?
7. Do you have a desire to impress them?
8. Are you affected by their problems and drama?
9. Do they ignore your needs, feelings and ignore the word ‘NO’?
10. *Do you feel guilty (either by them making you or your own internal guilt) for not wanting to be in that relationship anymore?
*I added this last one from my own experience.
So what do you do when it’s family… say a parent, or both parents? Some times the best solution for your own sanity is to write them off.
As I know first hand, that is not as easy as it sounds.
– You can try to set some boundaries.
– You can limit the time on the phone or in their physical presence.
– You can also practice mindfulness while they are being a conversational narcissist with you.
See what I did there? I share this all because Johne and I have had our share of toxic people (family members and others).
As a couple this can wreak havoc on your intimacy and relationship over all if you let it. Whether it is my family or his, there are emotions both of us feel equally and separately. How did we and how do we get through it? Ding ding ding…
#cummunication! I know for a fact that one of our strongest bonds is our intimacy; and for that, we can weather any storm… even when it is toxic people close to us.
If you haven’t been able to tell from my company name, posts, or blogs; I am a huge proponent of mindfulness. Not just for sex and intimacy, but for everyday life. Even the more troublesome things you may be dealing with like anxiety, depression, abuse, sexual assault, PTSD, toxic relationships, chronic pain etc.
So if you start practicing mindfulness today, you will be one step closer to having it in your arsenal of tools when you need it; which, let’s face it, is usually when you least expect it. C-U next time.
Thanks to www.scienceofpeople.com